Nov
27
Church of the Flying Spaghetti O’s - Heresy?
Posted by admin in Religion
A splinter sect of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is quickly gaining popularity. Their mantra is compelling in its simplicity and hearing them chant it almost hypnotic:
“uh-oh spaghetti-o’s”
The FSO’s as they call themselves adhere to all the basic elements of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster with one crucial distinction. They believe that the Spaghetti Monster has come to earth to be eaten, absolving humans of their sins and restoring the balance of pirates worldwide. His earthly form? Canned Spaghetti O’s.
“Only those who have partaken the sauce of the Spaghetti O will know the glories of heaven. Those who do not accept the O will wait until judgement day when the final supper will decide the fate of the earth.” states the Apostle of O, Circadian Spinolli who also serves as VP of Marketing at Campbell’s Soup.
FSM purists are livid to say the least.
“This is clearly a marketing ploy by Campbell’s soup to cash in on the zillion ka zillian dollars FSM worshipers generate each and every month. Certainly the number of pirates in the world today is apallingly low, but spreading false hope in a canned messiah seems like a ludicrous form of heresy. We know these people are our brothers and will gladly welcome them back to the path of the righteous if they can turn away from this false God.” - said a devout FSM worshipper who chose not to be named.
Other Italian food products are watching this situation very closely. When questioned Chef Boyardee declined to comment saying that he is taking the matter under advisement. An informed source on the inside has stated that there is a good chance Chef Boyardee may start his own religion to combat declining Ravioli sales. He also added,
“We can only hope this situation doesn’t evolve into a foodfight of cosmic proportions.”
Nov
22
Mel Gibson comments on the Michael Richards fiasco
Posted by admin in Celebrities
When asked to comment about Michael Richards’ recent uncalled for remarks and blatant use of the n**** word Mel Gibson had the following to say:
“I think you can begin to understand why I have problems with people of Jewish persuasion. As a group they seem to lack tolerance towards african americans, something I find reprehensible. It’s exactly those kinds of remarks that lead to many atrocities of the past…… that kind of mentality and hate fueled the Nazi’s in World War II. I don’t see how people will be able to forgive him. He made racist remarks and as far as I know wasn’t even drunk at the time.”
Richards issued the following statement as a response to Mel Gibson’s comments:
“I think Mel Gibson is failing to see the obvious irony here. Mad Max may hate Jews. Kramer may hate the blacks. But Borat gets away with making fun of Jews, blacks and the entire country of Kazakhstan. Where is the justice? Where is it Jerry? Where!?”
Michael Richards had no comment on why he wouldn’t be blaming alcohol for his wayward speech, but industry insiders are speculating that Mel Gibson and Mark Foley have run that well dry.
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Nov
10
10 reasons people hate the Dell and the Mac guy
Posted by admin in Celebrities
1. Smug, annoying 20 somethings no longer in style.
2. Both appeared too stupid or too stoned to associate with dependable computers.
3. Relentless use in advertisement caused most people too be burnt out, others to turn psychotic.
4. Even the Domino’s Noid guy was less annoying.
5. They both eventually hit that magic age where they are killed like in Logan’s run.
6. The President’s approval rating was higher.
7. Dell guy killed Mac guy in a jealous rage.
8. Dell guy sold weed to Mac guy; both got jail time.
9. Mac guy sent virus to Dell guy that later his own XP partition caught wiping out his entire hard drive.
10. Literally no one found them amusing or entertaining on any level.
Nov
9
Scientests study the evolution of intelligent design theory
Posted by admin in Science
“Intelligent design really started as creationism. This is common knowledge. But until now people haven’t really asked what the intermediate steps were between the two. We all know that intelligent design didn’t merely appear out of no where. So far the missing links have been elusive, but recent study has found some promising examples of intermediate theories. We are also starting to understand the evolutionary forces at work in that morphed the concept of creationism into intelligent design.”
These words came from an emphatic Richard Dawkins earlier today. Scientists feel they may be on the verge to uncovering the “missing link” that connects creationism to intelligent design. Many scientests believe that understanding the mechanics of such forces will allow them to better understand the religious mindset as a whole.
When asked for a response Pastor Lewis B. Confabulario of the Intelligent Design Institue for Faith Based Science had this to say:
“The theory of intelligent design in no way evolved because of modern day pressures to offer a better faith based explanatation for creationism. The theory of intelligent design was guided by the hand of God. The implication that it evolved from the base and primitive theory of creationism is an affront to all we stand for.”
The debate is just now starting on how this issue should be taught to our children in schools. Is the theory of intelligent design itself guided by the hand of God? Or is it merely a meme that has evolved due to modern day pressures having it’s origin in the simple, primitive world of creationism.
Pastor Confabulario’s closing comment:
“It would take a leap of faith for me to believe that meme’s can evolve without God’s guiding hand. And that certainly includes the theory of intelligent design.”
Nov
5
70% of all Jedi mind tricks used to score drugs, sex
Posted by admin in Celebrities
In a scathing report to be released by the Chancellor next week it has been found that 70% of all Jedi mind tricks are used to score drugs and/or sex. Master Yoda and Obi-Won are implicated in the scandal involving younglings.
Commenting on the allegations Chancellor Palpatine defended his findings saying:
“We’ve known for years the the Jedi have occasionally used mind tricks to get the occasional glitterstim or other spice. It has recently come to the attention that Jedi mind tricks have been used in inappropriate ways for other drugs and sex. Younglings are involved in some cases and it seems like this travesty involves many members of the High Council. I don’t wish to name names, but Master Yoda and Obi-Won are both being questioned. It is possible they may be charged with excessive use of force.”
Master Yoda only had this to say:
“High Council indeed, we are. Younglings roughly my size, like to teach do I. About drugs and younglings gungans talk to. Jar Jar Binks… many bad stories to tell have I. Jedi innocent, even after long Jedi nights.”
A subsequent search of Yoda’s belonging revealed a quantity of sweetblossom, a potent narcotic. Master Yoda implied that it had been delivered to him by a medical droid by mistake.
Nov
4
Michael J. Fox accuses Rush Limbaugh of Overplaying Effects of Oxycontin
Posted by admin in Celebrities
In a rare turn of events Michael J. Fox has accused Rush Limbaugh of overplaying the effects of oxycontin in order to escape responsibility for rude and inappropriate responses made on his radio show. Talking to Katie Couic on CBS evening news Fox had this to say:
“Taking a Schedule II narcotic is no excuse. Let’s face it, on the set of Family Ties I had to resist the urge to take pain killers just to keep from offing myself. Just saying my lines caused me debilitating pain on a daily basis. And on the set of Back to the Future, the doc was always trying to get me to try this or that - ‘To expand my mind’. That Christopher Lloyd makes Rush look like an amateur when it comes to pill popping. All else aside, I have nothing against Rush Limbaugh as a person - I just hope he can get the help he needs.”
Winking at Kouric and tugging on his ear he proceeded to yell out,
“Can you hear that…. you fat, deaf, pig!”
Rush Limbaugh blasted back at Fox today on his radio show saying:
“Next these democratic muppets are going to be attacking the concept that alcohol can make a good Republican into a pediphile or a mild mannered movie star into a Jew hater. If Fox can ‘fall back’ and blame his medication for making him shake, I can certainly blame mine for making me a blowhard. I would never have said those things in a straight frame of mind, and I resent the implication that I would have. My oxycontin is the only reason I’m going to call him a gimpy muppet freak right now. If I’d been clean I would have simply referred to him as a pansy washout trying to get his career back on track.”
“Given that Fox’s drugs for Parkinson’s increase brain dopamine and that oxycontin is a drug that increases brain dopamine I would expect more sympathy from this putz. Fox will never know the humility of having to ask your housekeeper to score you drugs. I had to go to the lady that cleans my toilets to get desperately needed medication.”